Трансформация - Рашида Юсуфи

professor Turkhan Oglu, dean of economics department offered me to continue my master’s degree and work for the university as a part time assistant. On the one hand, I wanted to try. On the other – I was thinking about my family. They needed me there. I decided to go back to my country. I bought my tickets. Whenever I was far away from my family, something bad happened. Maybe if I was with them, they would be more secure.

I was back home. With my bachelor diploma at hand. Top student for the fall semester 2009. I applied my CV to banks and commercial organizations. No response. No one needs young ambitions specialist. No work experience – no job. In Tajikistan, local companies prefer to hire knowledgeable employees. Meanwhile, I conducted my own research. There were three types of dreams. Some dreams were from the God. They notified us about coming events or informed us about occurrences that happened. Some were from the Devil. They encouraged people to commit sins. And the third type of dreams were just dreamt subconsciously. For instance, when you watched horror movie or kept thinking about some problems, then your mind thought about it, and you had a terrible, meaningless dream.

One more interesting fact I learned. There were dream interpretation books. I felt on ease and relaxed. I can understand my dreams. But since I knew it, I stopped dreaming. For a while.

A year passed. My friend suggested a trip to Turkey. I was not sure I was ready to leave my mom, again. But mommy and brother convinced me to travel. My friend Nika and I flew to Istanbul. One week. Amazing vacation. We visited Topkapi Palace, Suleymani Mosque, Hagia Sophia, Bosphorus Bridge, Taksim Square and golden bazaar. A day before our departure, I got a phone call from my brother: “Hey. Please, do not worry. But mom is at the hospital”. My heart went out from my body like an egg yolk from a hand. It spread on the floor of the hotel room. When I tried to change my flight or buy new tickets to go back home, no one could satisfy my urgent need.

As soon as I arrived, I ran to visit mom. She was smiling as always. She was always positive and energetic. Even when it was hard for her. She laughed. She believed in good. “Everything will be fine” – she told me. Doctors said she had periinfarction state. And she was lucky that brother was at home and timely gave her medicine from a blood pressure.

One week after the sickness, she was back home. We had a short but meaningful talk.

Me: “Mom, do you remember I had a dream that you died. You know what it means? I read the meanings of my dreams in dream interpretation book. When someone dies at your dream, it means that person has a long life. It means you will live until you are very old, mom”.

Mother: “You have been taking care of me for all this time. Never left me alone at home. You were aways scared that something would happen to me. You were scared due to your dreams. Now, look what happened. When you left, I got sick. Unexpectedly.

Me: “So it means you got sick, because you missed me after I left?”

Mother: “My dear daughter, you cannot control everything. You should start living your own life. Learn to love yourself and take care of yourself. Don’t worry about us. Everything happens for a reason. And by God’s will. We should hope for the best and think positively. Whether you're here or not is not so crucial. Thank you for your care.

Me: “Ok, mom. I understand now. But do you remember the other dream? I dreamt that grandmother left home with one shoe. Pair of shoes mean a marriage couple. So, when she put on only one shoe it means a breakup. It was a message from God. One shoe is gone means our cousin’s death. Perhaps”.

Mother: “hmm, well, yes. Maybe”.

Talking about this with mom made me feel better. I hugged her. I could smell her, the scent of her body soothed me. The smell of a mother was something special. It was like the smell of a baby. I remembered, in childhood, I often sniffed my mother's clothes while she was on business trips.

Now I am learning to live my life in my own way.

Dialog with God

Kamilla. It means “perfect” from Arabic language. But now she was afraid of everything. Moved. Walked. Ate. Even when she was in the bed. She always asked for help and support. She was 90 years old. Last year Kamilla lost her sight as a consequence of unsuccessful surgery. She had shoulder-length gray hair covered by the scarf. Her big earrings were shining like brilliants. Two rings were on the fingers. One was silver and the other – emerald colour. She was tall statuesque woman. When you looked at her you might notice her soft noble features. My grandma looked like a super star.

Small room. Rainbow colored curtains. Big beige wardrobe was opposite the door. On the right side – granny’s bed. On the left side – portable toilet. One chair was in front of her bed in case she had visitors. Grandmother never slept at nights. I thought she confused day and night. Lights in her room were always on.

It was quiet. Early in the morning 3 a.m. No one was awake. Except her: “Anybody here? Who is here? Hello? Can you hear me?” – I heard her voice through a dream. Immediately I jumped out of my bed. Run toward her bedroom. Crossed two more rooms between us. Finally reached her place.

– Yes, grandma. Do you want to go to the toilet?

– I think yes. I was calling you. Where have you been?

– I was sleeping.