Самые лучшие английские анекдоты - Сергей Матвеев

The proud young mother was discussing with her husband what they should call the new baby. “I’ve made up my mind,” she declared firmly, “we’ll call her Penelope.” The husband didn’t like the name at all, but he decided to be subtle about it.[102]

“That’s a lovely name, dear,” he said. “The first girl I ever went out with[103] was called Penelope and it will bring back pleasant memories.”

“I think we’ll call her Mary, after[104] my mother,” said the wife.

Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Little Johnny: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

Once there were two twins at the age of eight who were completely opposite, one always had a good attitude and a positive outlook on life, the other was always negative and found something to whine about in everything.

When Christmas was around the corner that year their parents decided to try and balance out the brothers’ attitudes. For the negative son they bought a brand new bike.[105] For the positive son they went out to a farm and filled a box full of horse crap.

Christmas came and the parents watched their reactions. The negative son opened his gift first, finding the new bike. Immediately he began to complain, “It’s too cold out to ride a bike, I don’t even know how to ride one, I hate this gift!”

Just then the positive son started to open his gift. With his parents watching, he pulled back the flaps on the box and peered in at its contents. He stood silent for a moment and then shouted excitedly, “There’s gotta be a horse around here somewhere!”

There once was an Irishman named Pat, who was born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marching in the St. Patrick’s Day parade.

Pat went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.[106] St. Peter said, “Who are you?” and Pat replied, “My name is Pat, I’m an Irishman, born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marching in the St. Patrick’s Day parade.”

St. Peter checked up in his book and saw all this information was true. So he said to Pat, “Yes, this is all true, so here is a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’ You’ve earned it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven.”

Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and it starts to play ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’

He heads out into heaven, a smile on his face and a song in his heart.

He’s having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around for two whole days. However, on the third day, he’s driving down the main expressway[107] in heaven with the harp playing full blast[108] when, all of a sudden, a pink and white two-tone cloud roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat has just enough time to see that the person driving the pink and white two-tone cloud has a long nose and a darkish complexion.

Pat makes a U-turn[109] right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway, charges back[110] to the Pearly Gates, jumps off of his little green cloud and stalks up[111] to St. Peter.

He says, “St. Peter, my name is Pat, I’m an Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marchin’ in the St. Patrick’s Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’

St. Peter, there’s a Jew over there. He’s got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!”

St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says, “Pat, shush![112] He’s the boss’s son!”

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other[113] in their determined efforts to get away from evil.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”

The man says, “Yes, sure do.”

Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man says, “No. Sure am not.”

Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

A man stumbles up[114] to the only other man in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

“Why of course?[115]” comes the reply.

The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.

The first man responds, “You don’t say,[116] I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.[117]”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin,” comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”

“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man. “I graduated in ’92.”

“This is unbelievable!” the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’92, too!”

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

“What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender. “Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for[118] the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, “What do two plus two equal?”

The mathematician replies, “Four.”

The interviewer asks, “Four, exactly?”

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, “Yes, four, exactly.”

Then the interviewer calls in[119] the accountant and asks the same question, “What do two plus two equal?”

The accountant says, “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, “What do two plus two equal?”

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, “What do you want it to equal?”

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company’s Quality Assurance Manager.[120] The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers.[121] This seems an excessive refinement,[122] and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up[123] to the nearest semiquaver.[124] If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

In light of the above,[125] one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.

A famous European writer was talking to an American girl. The American, speaking in the writer’s native language, asked him why he had never visited the United States.

“I know only a few sentences in English,” answered the writer.

“What are the sentences?” asked the girl.

“How do you do? I love you. Forgive me. Forget me. Ham and eggs, please,” answered the writer.

“Why,” exclaimed the girl, “with that vocabulary you could travel all over my country.”

“Mamma, please, change my name.”

“But why must I do that?”

“Because Daddy says he is going to spank me as sure as my name is Bobby.”

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die:

1) Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2) At lunch, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind[126] before he goes back to work.

3) For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don’t burden him with household chores.

4) Satisfy his every whim.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said to her. She replied, “You’re going to die.”

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

Are computers males or females? You decide.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE:

5. They’re heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you’ve established a network connection.

3. They’ll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won’t do more than they have to and they won’t think of it on their own.

2. They’re typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they’ve already invested so much in the damn machine that they’re compelled to remain with an under powered system.

1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that’s the only time you have their attention.

FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:

5. No one but their creator understands their logic.

4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, “Bad command or filename,” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your check on accessories for it.

There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is sent through the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: “VIRUS ALERT!” do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system.

VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaid dfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da[agj asdfajpg as dflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adf jdl5gkj dkllj djf hsas9kaj kuieh nx3glkj gkdls kd li8siue ghkld hks1 as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!

The husband wised up to the fact that[127] his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the “other man”.

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90’s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated[128] and business-like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife’s lover:

Sir! It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The “other man” was highly amused by the husband’s formal manner and sent off the following reply at once:

Dear Sir, I have received a copy of your mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your Office’s auditorium.

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end… “And lead us not into temptation”, she prayed, “but deliver us some e-mail,[129] Amen.”