Английский разговорный шутя. 100 самых смешных анекдотов на лучшие разговорные темы - Виктор Миловидов
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This scared the hell out of the burglar, and he just stood there motionless for about five minutes and heard no further noises. He then felt around and found a light switch and turned it on. There was a large bird cage with a parrot sitting in it. The parrot looked at the burglar and said, «I see you and Jesus sees you.» The burglar just grinned and went to work filling his bag and left the light in the room on. He had his bag about half full when he turned to look at the parrot again, this time he noticed that a Doberman Pincher was lying under the table that the bird cage was on. The parrot stared at the burglar and then said, «Sick him, Jesus.»
Study the words and expressions given below:
burglar взломщик
total полный; полностью
"goodies"сленг добро
faint слабый
to freeze замораживаться, застывать
to resume возобновлять, приниматься снова
search поиск
to puzzle ставить в тупик
equal равный
curious любопытный
to scare пугать
motionless неподвижный
switch выключатель
parrot попугай
to grin усмехаться, ухмыляться
for a while в течение некоторого времени
to break into вломиться
to work one's way through (toward) прокладывать путь через (к)
to scare the hell out of sb чертовски испугать
to have sth about half full иметь что-л. наполненным наполовину
to feel around пощупать вокруг
Sick him! Взять! / Фас!
Exercises to the text1. Answer the questions to the text:
1. What did the burglar hear when he was working his way through the house?
2. What room was he looking for?
3. What did the voice say?
4. What did the burglar feel around for?
5. Who was sitting in the cage?
6. Who was lying under the table that the bird cage was on?
7. What do you think happened to the burglar after the parrot had ordered the Pincher to do his stuff?
2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:
1. He waited to see what ______ happen.
2. The burglar heard nothing and ______ his search.
3. This was ______ to the burglar and he was about ______ curious and scared.
4. He began ______ his way toward the voice.
5. This scared ______ out of the burglar.
6. He ______ around and found ______ and turned it on.
7. The parrot looked at the burglar and said, «I see you and ______ sees you.»
3. Match the two parts of each sentence:
4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:
5. Translate from Russian into English:
1. Взломщик вломился в дом поздно ночью, в полной темноте.
2. Он остановился и прислушивался некоторое время.
3. Он стал искать комнату со всем добром.
4. Он едва понял эти слова.
5. Это заставило взломщика просто застыть.
6. Он возобновил свои поиски.
7. Взломщик был в равной степени испуган и заинтригован.
Revise English GrammarВ предложении The burglar stood motionless for about five minutes and heard no further noises слова minutes и noises стоят в форме множественного числа. Они образованы путем прибавления окончания -s к основе слов minute минута и noise шум.
Слово goodies также стоит во множественном числе, но образовано оно от слова goody и, очевидно, по другим правилам. По каким?
Проверьте свои навыки образования формы множественного числа имен существительных (для справки см. грамматический комментарий, раздел 2, с. 240).
6. Put the words from the text into Plural form and read them according to the rules:
burglar
hell
journey
bird
house
minute
room
cage
night
noise
time
parrot
way
light
search
bag
voice
switch
puzzle
table
7. Render the joke.
Section 3
Dead Dog
A woman goes to the vet. She says, «Doctor, I think there's something wrong with my dog. He hasn't moved all day.»
The vet examines the dog and says, «I'm sorry. I'm afraid your dog is dead.»
«Dead! How can he be dead? He was just fine yesterday. Are you sure he's dead? Isn't there some other test you can run?»
The vet leaves and returns in a moment with a pet carrying case. He opens the case and a large cat emerges. The cat plods over to the dog and sniffs around its head. It then circles the dog, sniffing and poking around. After a minute or two the cat returns to its cage.
«Well,» says the vet, «that pretty much proves it. He's dead.»
«I guess you're right,» says the woman. She is coming to grips with what happened. «At least you did your best. How much do I owe you?»
«$230.»
«$230?! For what? All you did was tell me my dog was dead. What did you do that costs $230?»
«Well it's $30 for the office visit,» says the vet, «and $200 for the cat scan.»
Study the words and expressions given below:
vet сокр. разг.veterinary ветеринарный врач
to emerge появляться, возникать
to plod тащиться, передвигаться с трудом
to sniff нюхать, обнюхивать
to poke тыкать; совать(ся)
grip захват; способность понять, осознать что-л.
to guess догадываться
to owe быть должным
to scan сканировать, исследовать
to run a test провести анализ
that pretty much proves it разг. это со всей очевидностью доказывает это
to come to grips with sth осознавать, понять
to do one's best сделать все, на что способен
office visit посещение; зд. прием (уврача)
cat scan сканирование с применением кота
at least по крайней мере
Exercises to the text1. Answer the questions to the text:
1. What does the woman think about her dog?
2. What did the vet return with?
3. In what way did the cat perform his test?
4. How much did the doctor think the woman owed him?
5. How much was the cat scan?
2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:
1. How can he _______ dead?
2. «Isn't there some other test you can _______?»
3. The vet _______ and returns with a case, and a large
cat.
4. The cat _______ around the dog's head.
5. After a minute or _______ the cat returns.
6. I _______ you're right.
7. At _______ I did my best.
8. How much do I _______ you?
9. All you did was perform a cat _______.
3.Say if the statements are false or true:
1. The dog hasn't moved all week.
2. The vet says, «I'm sorry. I'm afraid your dog is ill.»
3. He was just fine yesterday.
4. The vet leaves and never returns.
5. He opens the case and a large cat emerges.
6. After a minute or two the vet returns to its cage.
7. «How much do I owe you?» – «$530.»
4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:
5. Translate from Russian into English:
1. Доктор, я думаю, с моей собакой что-то неладно.
2. Она целый день не двигалась.
3. Доктор осмотрел собаку.
4. Вы уверены, что она умерла?
5. Нет ли других анализов, которые вы могли бы провести?
6. Он открыл коробку, и появился большой кот.
7. Кот понюхал вокруг собачьей головы.
8. Что вы сделали такого, что стоит 230 долларов?
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6. Find English equivalents to the Russian words in the scanword. The hidden words are positioned both horizontally and vertically, as well as on diagonals:
1. (r…) петух, 2. (f…) перья, 3. (с…) любопытный, 4. (m…) неподвижный, 5. (s…) включать, 6. (f…) замерзать, 7. (s…) обслуживать, 8. (f…) яростный, 9. (r…) возобновлять, 10. (е… ) появляться.
Revise English GrammarВ предложениях A woman goes to the vet; Doctor, I think there's something wrong with my dog используется так называемое простое настоящее время;
в предложении Не hasn't moved all day — настоящее совершенное время;
в предложении She is coming to grips with what happened — настоящее длительное время.
Проверьте, правильно ли вы используете три основные формы настоящего времени (в случае необходимости воспользуйтесь грамматическим комментарием; раздел 3).
7.Fill in the blanks with appropriate Present forms of the verbs given in brackets:
1. The woman (to visit)the vet every other day.
2. The dog (not to move)since yesterday.
3. The vet (to examine)the dog at the moment.
4. (to be)my dog dead?
5. What test you (to run)now?
6. "I (to leave)at the moment, and will return
in a minute," said the vet.
7. "What you (to carry)in this case?" asked
the woman.
8. I (to open)this case every morning.
9. You (ever to see)such a cat before?
10. No, I (never to see)such a cat in all my life.
11. What he (to sniff)around at present?
12. Why he (to circle)my dog?
13. How much I (to owe)you?
Revise English GrammarЖенщина, пришедшая к ветеринару, задает множество вопросов, которые подразделяются на несколько видов:
Основные виды вопросительных предложений – общий и специальный вопросы.
Проверьте навыки постановки данных вопросов, при необходимости обращаясь к грамматическому комментарию; раздел 3.
8.Make general questions to the sentences given below:
1. A woman goes to the vet.
2. There's something wrong with my dog.
3. He hasn't moved all day.
4. I'm afraid your dog is dead.
5. The vet leaves and returns in a moment.
6. He opens the case.
7. A large cat is emerging.
8. The cat is plodding over to the dog.
9.Make as many special questions as you can to the sentences given below:
1. The dog hasn't moved all day.
2. The vet leaves and returns in a moment.
3. After a minute or two the cat returns to its cage.
10.Render the joke.
Section 4
The Parrot And The Magician
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show.
«Look, it's not the same hat.»
«Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.»
«Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?»
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another and another.
