Уловка-22 - английский и русский параллельные тексты - Джозеф Хеллер

'It wouldn't surprise me if General Dreedle were behind the whole thing,' General Peckem confessed at last. 'Remember what he did to that skeet-shooting range?' General Dreedle had thrown open Colonel Cathcart's private skeet-shooting range to every officer and enlisted man in the group on combat duty. General Dreedle wanted his men to spend as much time out on the skeet-shooting range as the facilities and their flight schedule would allow. Shooting skeet eight hours a month was excellent training for them. It trained them to shoot skeet. Dunbar loved

shooting skeet because he hated every minute of it and the time passed so slowly. He had figured out that a single hour on the skeet-shooting range with people like Havermeyer and Appleby could be worth as much as eleven-times-seventeen years. 'I think you're crazy,' was the way Clevinger had responded to Dunbar 's discovery. 'Who wants to know?' Dunbar answered. 'I mean it,' Clevinger insisted. 'Who cares?' Dunbar answered. 'I really do. I'll even go so far as to concede that life seems longer I-' '-is longer I-' '-is longer-Is longer? All right, is

longer if it's filled with periods of boredom and discomfort, b-' 'Guess how fast?' Dunbar said suddenly. 'Huh?' 'They go,' Dunbar explained. 'Years.' 'Years.' 'Years,' said Dunbar.

'Years, years, years.' 'Clevinger, why don't you let Dunbar alone?' Yossarian broke in. 'Don't you realize the toll this is taking?' 'It's all right,' said Dunbar magnanimously. 'I have some decades to spare. Do you know how long a year takes when it's going away?' 'And you shut up also,' Yossarian told Orr, who had begun to snigger. 'I was just thinking about that girl,' Orr said. 'That girl in Sicily. That girl in Sicily with the bald head.' 'You'd better shut up also,' Yossarian warned him. 'It's your fault,' Dunbar said to Yossarian. 'Why don't you let him snigger if he wants to? It's better than having him talking.' 'All right. Go ahead and snigger if

you want to.' 'Do you know how long a year takes when it's going away?' Dunbar repeated to Clevinger. 'This long.' He snapped his fingers. 'A second ago you were stepping into college with your lungs full of fresh air. Today you're an old man.' 'Old?' asked Clevinger with surprise. 'What are you talking about?' 'Old.' 'I'm not old.' 'You're inches away from death every time you go on a mission. How much older can you be at your age? A half minute before that you were stepping into high school, and an unhooked brassiere was as close as you ever hoped to get to Paradise. Only a fifth of a second before that you were a small kid with a ten-week summer vacation that lasted a hundred thousand years and still ended too soon. Zip! They go rocketing by so fast. How the hell else are you ever going to slow time down?' Dunbar was almost angry when he finished. 'Well, maybe it is true,' - Нисколько не буду удивлен, если узнаю, что за всей этой историей стоит генерал Дридл, -признался наконец генерал Пеккем.

Clevinger conceded unwillingly in a subdued tone. 'Maybe a long life does have to be filled with many unpleasant conditions if it's to seem long. But in that event, who wants one?' 'I do,' Dunbar told him. 'Why?' Clevinger asked. 'What else is there?'   Chief White Halfoat Doc Daneeka lived in a splotched gray tent with Chief White Halfoat, whom he feared and despised. 5. Вождь Белый Овес Доктор Дейника делил пятнистую от грязи палатку с Вождем Белый Овес, которого презирал и боялся. 'I can just picture his liver,' Doc Daneeka grumbled. - Он у меня сидит в печенках, - ворчал Дейника. 'Picture my liver,' Yossarian advised him. - Ты бы лучше поинтересовался моей печенкой, -советовал Йоссариан. 'There's nothing wrong with your liver.' - Твоя печенка в порядке. 'That shows how much you don't know,' Yossarian bluffed, and told Doc Daneeka about the troublesome pain in his liver that had troubled Nurse Duckett and Nurse Cramer and all the doctors in the hospital because it wouldn't become jaundice and wouldn't go away. - Вот сразу и видно, как мало ты смыслишь, -пытался взять его на пушку Йоссариан. Он поведал доктору о болях в области печени, которые так встревожили сестру Даккит, сестру Крэмер и всех врачей в госпитале, поскольку желтухи не было, а боли тем не менее не проходили. Doc Daneeka wasn't interested. Доктор Дейника не проявил интереса к этому сообщению. 'You think you've got troubles?' he wanted to know. - И это ты называешь неприятностями? - сказал он. 'What about me? You should've been in my office the day those newlyweds walked in.' 'What newlyweds?' 'Those newlyweds that walked into my office one day. Didn't I ever tell you about them? She was lovely.' - А что же в таком случае сказать обо мне? So was Doc Daneeka's office. У доктора Дейники был когда-то свой медицинский кабинет. He had decorated his waiting room with goldfish and one of the finest suites of cheap furniture. Приемную украшали золотые рыбки и гарнитур мебели, столь же очаровательный, сколь и дешевый. Whatever he could he bought on credit, even the goldfish. Все, что было можно, включая и золотых рыбок, Дейника приобрел в кредит. For the rest, he obtained money from greedy relatives in exchange for shares of the profits. На покупку всего остального, что в кредит не продавалось, доктор раздобыл денег у родственников-скопидомов, которые раскошелились в обмен направо участвовать в будущих прибылях. His office was in Staten Island in a two-family firetrap just four blocks away from the ferry stop and only one block south of a supermarket, three beauty parlors, and two corrupt druggists. Его кабинет помещался на Стэйтен Айленде в двухквартирной лачуге всего лишь в четырех кварталах от паромного причала. А рынок, три женские парикмахерские и две аптеки с жуликоватыми аптекарями находились и того ближе - в соседнем квартале. It was a corner location, but nothing helped. К тому же кабинет был в угловом доме - казалось бы, чего лучше? Но все это не помогало. Population turnover was small, and people clung through habit to the same physicians they had been doing business with for years. Население района все время оставалось постоянным, и люди привыкли за долгие годы иметь дело с одними и теми же врачами. Bills piled up rapidly, and he was soon faced with the loss of his most precious medical instruments: his adding machine was repossessed, and then his typewriter. Стопка счетов быстро росла, и скоро Дейника был вынужден расстаться с самыми нужными медицинскими инструментами - сначала с арифмометром, а затем и с пишущей машинкой. The goldfish died. Золотые рыбки подохли. Fortunately, just when things were blackest, the war broke out. К счастью, когда дело приняло совсем мрачный оборот, разразилась война. 'It was a godsend,' Doc Daneeka confessed solemnly. - Это был дар божий! - торжественно признался Дейника. 'Most of the other doctors were soon in the service, and things picked up overnight. The corner location really started paying off, and I soon found myself handling more patients than I could handle competently. - Большинство других врачей вскоре оказалось на военной службе, и буквально на следующее утро мои дела пошли на лад, То, что кабинет находился на углу, наконец-то оправдало себя. Вскоре я обнаружил, что на прием приходит пациентов даже больше, чем я могу принять. I upped my kickback fee with those two drugstores. Я договорился с обоими аптекарями и с их помощью стал получать с пациентов гонорар больше прежнего. The beauty parlors were good for two, three abortions a week. Соседство с женскими парикмахерскими давало мне два-три аборта в неделю. Things couldn't have been better, and then look what happened. О лучшем нельзя было и мечтать! Но дальше произошло непоправимое. They had to send a guy from the draft board around to look me over. Из призывной комиссии присылают парня, чтобы он меня освидетельствовал. I was Four-F. Я был запасником четвертой категории. I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service. Я весьма тщательно сам себя обследовал и пришел к выводу о своей полной непригодности для военной службы. You'd think my word would be enough, wouldn't you, since I was a doctor in good standing with my county medical society and with my local Better Business Bureau. Думаешь, моего слова им было достаточно? Ничего подобного! Не помогло и то, что я врач, и то, что я поддерживал добрые отношения с медицинским обществом округа и с местным "Бюро содействия бизнесу". But no, it wasn't, and they sent this guy around just to make sure I really did have one leg amputated at the hip and was helplessly bedridden with incurable rheumatoid arthritis. Они прислали этого малого, чтобы удостовериться, действительно ли у меня ампутирована нога до бедра и правда ли, что я навечно прикован к постели неизлечимым ревматическим артритом. Yossarian, we live in an age of distrust and deteriorating spiritual values. Ах, Йоссариан, мы живем в век всеобщего недоверия и полной девальвации духовных ценностей! It's a terrible thing,' Doc Daneeka protested in a voice quavering with strong emotion. Это ужасно! - патетически воскликнул Дейника. Голос его дрожал от глубокого и неподдельного волнения. 'It's a terrible thing when even the word of a licensed physician is suspected by the country he loves.' - Как это ужасно, когда любимое отечество относится с подозрением к честному слову врача, практикующего по государственной лицензии! Doc Daneeka had been drafted and shipped to Pianosa as a flight surgeon, even though he was terrified of flying. Доктора Дейнику призвали, доставили пароходом на Пьяносу и назначили хирургом авиачасти, хотя он панически боялся летать.

'I don't have to go looking for trouble in an airplane,' he noted, blinking his beady, brown, offended eyes myopically. 'It comes looking for me. Like that virgin I'm telling you about that couldn't have a baby.' 'What virgin?' Yossarian asked. 'I thought you were telling me about some newlyweds.' 'That's the virgin I'm telling you about. They were just a couple of young kids, and they'd been married, oh, a little over a year when they came walking into my office without an appointment. You should have seen her. She was so sweet and young and pretty. She even blushed when I asked about her periods. I don't think I'll ever stop loving that girl. She was built like a dream and wore a chain around her neck with a medal of Saint Anthony hanging down inside the most beautiful bosom I never saw. "It must be a terrible temptation for Saint Anthony," I joked-just to put her at ease, you know. "Saint Anthony?" her husband said. "Who's Saint Anthony?" "Ask your wife," I told him. "She can tell you who Saint Anthony is." "Who is Saint Anthony?" he asked her. "Who?" she wanted to know. "Saint Anthony," he told her. "Saint Anthony?" she said. "Who's Saint Anthony?" When I got a good look at her inside my examination room I found she was still a virgin. I spoke to her husband alone while she was pulling her girdle back on and hooking it onto her stockings. "Every night," he boasted. A real wise guy, you know. "I never miss a night," he boasted. He meant it, too. "I even been puttin' it to her mornings before the breakfasts she makes me before we go to work," he boasted. There was only one explanation. When I had them both together again I gave them a demonstration of intercourse with the rubber models I've got in my office. I've got these rubber models in my office with all the reproductive organs of both sexes that I keep locked up in separate cabinets to avoid a scandal. I mean I used to have them. I don't have anything any more, not even a practice. The only thing I have now is this low temperature that I'm really starting to worry about. Those two kids I've got working for me in the medical tent aren't worth a damn as diagnosticians. All they know how to do is complain. They think they've got troubles? What about me? They should have been in my office that day with those two newlyweds looking at me as though I were telling them something nobody'd ever heard of before. You never saw anybody so interested. "You mean like this?" he asked me, and worked the models for himself awhile. You know, I can see where a certain type of person might get a big kick out of doing just that. "That's it," I told him. "Now, you go home and try it my way for a few months and see what happens. Okay?" "Okay," they said, and paid me in cash without any argument. "Have a good time," I told them, and they thanked me and walked out together. He had his arm around her - Не я жду неприятностей в самолете, неприятности сами меня там ждут, - говорил он, обиженно моргая карими глазами-бусинками.